Golden Quotations
Funny Quotes
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants!
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
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Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Memorable Quotes
Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Quotes cards
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.